september 3rd, 2024

sweet sweet nostalgia. it’s translucent talons hold me by my neck and wring it out until my head detaches and ascends into the clouds. it straps me down, forces me to bare witness in a past to behold a false image. it’s a projection i can see but will never be able to morph with in corporeal form. it's a dream i can live in only briefly, this pre-written script i can play out but never live again. torture. i hear a song i once adored and i’m writhing in my bed screaming the lyrics at 14. the sun sets in a particular way and i’m 8 years old playing in my backyard before dinner. i get a whiff of the air before a storm approaches and it’s christmas 2008. i sit at my desk and think about the person i was not even a year ago. i switch between the two, time travelling, and try to catch what makes them different, if that self degraded or built anew. i hold pieces of my younger life and try to merge with them, i try to force them to fit jaggedly into the self i currently reside in. when that doesn’t work i try to locate that self inside me, peeling back layers like a matryoshka doll, ruining the dimensions of self that were nestled in neatly. i try to reveal what part of it makes me feel so yearnful for it. the answers i seem to find are never pleasant or satisfying. it’s pure grief everytime, yet i still fall for it’s senti(mental) song. i keep trying to traverse terra incognita looking backwards. i never use it for reference in order to navigate the future, only for the purpose of seeing my former selves death rattle as i desperately try to revive them. nostalgia is the main culprit for my inability to remain present.

nostalgia’s influence continually pulls me backwards into the grasp of anorexia, time and time again. it’s romanticized image of my teenage self, the control and power i once felt under it’s influence. it has haunted me for almost half a decade. i see old pictures of myself at 17 and i sometimes see a better version of myself, despite any differences in more important aspects of my life. nostalgia marks anorexia as safety, purity, beauty. as a time where i was better (as a person and/or in physical form). when i’m finally able to clear my mind of this rose-tinted haze separating me from it, i see myself crying to my mother in the car before school over my hair falling out. i see the fainting spells and the dizziness. i see my fogged up frontal lobe and counting down the minutes to the very second when i could finally allow myself to eat. the dreams of eating and waking up in panic. this version of me is the opposite to what nostalgia tries to convince me of, and the vision it decides to bestow on me never goes away. a 17 year old girl, encased in purity, beauty and mystery. i will never be her again. and i shouldn’t want to be.

i realize the desires that form the roots of my nostalgia for these things, that i’ve only just connected the circuitry on. sensuality, slowness and the sense of authenticity. when i was a teenager and counting calories, all of my attention went into it. i would eat slowly, tasting the food with my tongue as the flavor slowly faded, counting each chew. despite the behavior being a form of self harm, i was totally aware and completely inside this bubble of behavior that forced me into total presence. similar to childhood, there were no distractions, just pure awareness inside my little reality that i had fostered. i find that what nostalgia knows as beauty is grace, slowness, awareness. exactly what being present medicates. i may feel nostalgia for the self i am today in the near future, but only if I am aware and present enough. i will free myself from nostalgia’s grasp entirely when i force myself to be aware of the present now. i will forever be the person that i wish i was, because theres nowhere else to be. the only tangible substance I can get out of these foggy memories is the fact that they felt slow, that they felt real, not transient and unmemorable. this life feels so passive, without real substance and faster with each day that passes. i wish to grab a hold of myself in my present state and watch it ebb and flow, let my consciousness keep up with it. for the sake of escaping certain death, a death for the desire of beauty. nostalgia and anorexia have this in common.

spring is here again. i await the suns arrival.

july 1st, 2024

a lone gunman fused to the earth, the coldness of the metallic weapon sears, bullets encase enmity, a firey death i only hope to someday inflict on myself and my world in an alternate quantum vision. my teenage sight was a storm, clouded by my rightful hatred for a world which i saw no hopeful place within. this vision was the only thing offered to me by the environment i found myself stuck in.

that version of self is still alive deep down inside, but she fuels me in a way i hadn’t conceived of. my spirit learned to alchemize itself with age, though the process inevitably painful.

aerated → agrestal

the world that tried to snuff me out instead inflamed me, i desire to learn to survive in spite of it. in spite of possible death or poverty, in spite of fear. i will burn out sooner than fade away. shifting from consciousness held hostage to consciousness held close and sacred. knowledge of myself and the world set me free, taught me the importance of mind in conjunction with body, the importance of living for myself and others alike myself. living, not simply to uphold societal sentiments of anti-suicide, as suicide appears in more than just self-inflicted death. it appears in self/fate-inflicted change/choice. self and fate are one in the same, they move together. i have killed former selves in multiple ways, in multiple timelines, in multiple demonstrations of choice and consciousness. i have quantum jumped multiple times in this lifetime alone. deep understanding of death/time is what leads me to the ultimate decision of suicide in the form of slow disintegration, the burning out of the flame, like all things do that live and die. i still live because i am born to ultimately return, to die, and because i won't let myself be shoved into a corner by a world that can't profit selfishly off of me.

“between the idea and the reality, between the motion and the act, falls the shadow.” - T.S ELIOT

the anger i used to feel is transformed into passion. pure in it’s richest, most decadent sense. passion for the saving of consciousness, the saving of life in it’s rawest wounds and pleasures, the saving of the fullest development of every being, development that cannot be found in the status quo.

deep down, hatred is simply passion. passion is intensity. the redirection of intensity from holding onto it tightly like a timebomb, into a burst of creative fury, alchemized the energy. living in hatred only brought me more hatred and violence upon myself and others, more suffering. but coming out of the other side of multiple previous self-destructive attempts came with the realization of the passion that fueled those outbursts, and helped in readjusting my vision. the world feels less like a cage my soul became entangled in by ill-starred chance, and more like a constant unfolding of forms and circumstances i simply float through, that i will never be tied to in any meaningful way. the ‘I’ is floating within translucent boundaries. the thoughts/emotions that come with ‘I’ are, at their core, passionate. any cage placed around my being is translucent, because life as a human being is by extension falsity and moment by moment shifting of definition, a world of forms defined and limited by us, and to our detriment. the map mistaken for the reality of the territory. i live outside of these boundaries, beyond the standards that destroy the passion in souls like my own in order to reconstruct their atoms to fit inside steel neatly. if i restructure my existential boundaries to my own desires and needs, i lessen my chances of writhing inside the imposed normality. i live inside my dream, and i don’t have to go insane. i'd rather die in a dream than live within the order that binds, kills and destroys. i trust myself and my environment, because i work with it instead of against it.

my vocation does not lie with letting the world kill me, it lies in screaming out in writing, in my actions, in my words, with my existence. i do not just live and die, my entire being will forever be rebirth after rebirth. anger alchemized into passion is like nature taking back it’s environment.

“where is the dust that has not been alive?” - E.Y.

may 4th, 2024

about a year ago my wires were all tangled up in an electified mess, misfiring into the abyss, like i was killing myself with my own energy while simulaneously trying to stifle it. i've been able to meticulously rewire every vein my pulses tranverse, able to work in harmony with them, more often than not. the only thing that really harbours me currently is my shitty brain. sometimes i feel so overloaded with the amount of thoughts within thoughts and all of the intricate details i get myself caught up in, causing me to tread the same battleground in cycles. my energetic pulses run out of creative ammo to transcend thought patterns and i plummet into the coil where i feel utterly doomed, seeking impossible answers inside impossible realities among too many layers unable to be concieved of in it's complexities by my meager human brain. i become ouroboros feeling on the precipice of being liberated from the curse, deep down knowing liberation is fated to never grace me, only another run of the cycle. though i usually always make some kind of progress in my cyclical journeys through space/time, that feeling of stuckness really exacerbates all desires to be permanently unborn.

it's a level of dissociation comparable to being so high above the universe, observing everything taking place, yet being too miniscule to even comprehend it, despite knowing i am apart of it and am somehow on the same level as all of it. everything encroaches on everything else, though i know this is the fact of existence in it's entirety, it's difficult for me to fully embrace the sense of oneness. not by thinking that i am somehow better than everything that surrounds and exceeds me, but because i feel inferior to the universe as a whole that created me. inferior in the sense of feeling like the tiniest point of consciousness in the vastness of seeming infinity. and though the universe isn't exactly the cause of this feeling, as the sense of 'i' is arising with everything/one mutually, i still continually fall into this spiralling hole that only terminates at the centre of the earth. the molten rock of pure sorrow for my humanness in the centre of my being distracts from the molten rock of pure light in the sky of my awareness, and both are apart of me. yet the dichotomy between is necessary in a sense, without either one i have no reference. find balance. find balance. april has finally passed.

march 23rd, 2024

the higher you traverse upon the mountain of awareness, the deeper the chasms get of the sightless sorrow. i find myself lost in vast oceans of energy in which i find no place of my own. i find no center and i find no gravity to hold me to the ground. i can't help but end up in the lowest pits of existence and the lowest chasms of my mind where i find no hope and no love, only hatred and dispair.

"video meliora proboque, deteriora sequor" - ovid
(i see and approve of the better, but then i follow the worst).

it's difficult to remember where i am in the midst of the inner elsewhere. i lose all creativity, i lose all latent power within myself to find reason, find purpose, find truth. it all seemingly amounts to nothing in these moments. i sit stagnant, dreaming. my life becomes nothing but a dream. i get stuck in a prison of my own design only to find that there is nothing there but myself. i become a runaway soul, lost in the labyrinthine hallways of a thought maze knowing that byproduct of my seeking it, i have willingly put myself there and can only blame myself for my agony. i try to pull apart my puzzle to find out why the pieces fit together, only to lose them in my own clumsiness.

the chasm is strewn with blood, cold and dead, a sharp knife twisting in my prefrontal cortex. it's a total loss of a balance in consciousness, and it frustrates me terribly. usually after a while my mind recovers, but the throes of death almost take me down completely in the violent nature of these moments of infinite desolation. i reside inside the endlessness until my soul feels safe to emerge from it and back into a reality, but while i'm stuck in there i feel the total loss of everything. the total helplessness of existence. the random bursts of metaphysical wrath, pulsing like a semi-auto. desolate feelings of utter dispair inside a universe of nothing. this truth only spirals downwards.

i am face to face with a downward eternity. i am forever stuck in the wormhole between the worlds, unsure which part of me or my reality is stable. some kind of sacred insanity devoid of any kind of reassurance. each day i wonder how i haven't died yet.

march 19th, 2024

my obsession with death infects everything in my life, in both beneficial and dire ways. it leads to me becoming more accepting about certain circumstances of life and able to handle situations where i feel the world slipping away from me, with the knowledge that everything is inherently an active death. it leads me to be more perceptive, to notice alot more within and around me. but yet the total mystery of death still draws me in entirely, to the point where i feel i may be bringing it's adoration upon myself in more ways than one. a deeper intuition bought about by it's potency i suppose, especially with how available i make myself to be it's witness.

i remember my first embrace with death, when i almost drowned as a child. i remember the dreadful sinking feeling in my chest when i realised it might be the end, the fear that no one had noticed my tiny body fall in. then at the height of my fear, my form was flushed with total clarified acceptance, befriending the skeletal hand before it would rip my soul away from my world. i remember letting go of the needless struggle, transcending and letting myself sink just before i was saved. the event made me very curious but at the same time very afraid of death, and for quite a while. i feel now that i've come full circle again, i've attained that very same awareness and feeling of acceptance i had when it happened, only now in my everyday life. it's like it had been in wait of my perspective to come back around, perhaps in a more desirable way.

something deep inside me, a decadent aching and yearning. something that's been with me for years, carving deeper and deeper into the pits of my stomach to make itself more comfortable. i get butterflies when i think of death. it makes me nervous but in the best way possible, the warm caress of a violent lover. i am excited and gracefully unfurled for it's eventual embrace of my form. but in these feelings i know that i live in death, no matter how constrained my form is. my existence is superconscious. i see in all directions, i am an open vessel. i see all transiting colors, all transformative forms. that death is ascendence, and i am able to experience death in every way. premature death of flesh without the repeated death of and within existence neglects the total experience. to be reborn within a life, over and over again. to see and realise these moments of transition, the eternal revelations revealed endlessly in the eternally reborn matrix, paying for them in currency of attention. i know what it is to be alive, and in that knowledge i know death to be both it's identical twin and it's dearest friend. i know i must await each death in patient longing, for everything that exists and dies in each moment is reborn into a new existence. constant progression along a never-ending spiral. constant re-newing. there is no going backward or forward, only the past and future enfolding and unfolding into and out of itself to create the fractal of present. and death and life enfolds on itself in just the same way, is not a separate experience to attain. existence is the totality in which humanity is it's witness and it's creator. PAST<=>FUTURE. DEATH <=> LIFE.

march 2nd, 2024

technologically induced societal decay. this is our present, our future.

technological ‘advancements’ have become nothing but a detriment, not only for human nature but for nature itself. social media is anti-social, the embodiment of perpetuation of the seven misguidances keeping each of us in a perpetual cycle, insecure, fearful, stagnant and woeful. we continue down this beaten, bleak and cataclysmic path despite the obvious signs of decay, of life being drained from life itself. consciousness waning in the act of living. i could write forever about this frustration. will anyone wake up? can anyone hear me screaming?

no matter where i go there’s always something taking me out of my own world. i have to use my smartphone to pay or to get into somewhere, i have to have a smartphone to get a particular job, i see other adults unable to keep their eyes off their torture device, passing down the habit to their freshly hatched embryos. it keeps becoming more and more violently intrusive. i see implements of technology where there never used to be and doesn’t need to be, where a human would do the job perfectly fine and subsequently would entail less consequences for the environment (not to mention our independence). it’s not just a schizophrenic boomer hallucination, it’s sincerely factual now. humanity’s total reliance on technology has ripped the soul, our unfiltered human nature, directly from our mortal fleshy bodies and lives, and brutally corroded it in the torturous hellscape of the false paradise.

i long and yearn and ache each day to have been born at least a generation earlier. it’s not just a vague discontentment developed out of teenage angst and misplacement anymore. it is a desperation of the truest and greatest extent, a depressing larp i crave to become reality in this life or the next. it has not gone away with maturity. i am not meant for this age, this timeline and it’s miscarriage of a modern world. i cannot cope with this extent of dehumanization and dependency. of life being so very absent of life, others being too distracted to participate in it. i want raw and pure breath, original sin. i want minimal technology and minimal distraction from the flow of eternity. it feels like i’m strangling myself with my own existence sometimes.

january 28th, 2024

it truly perplexes me why humanity clings so hard to a preoccupation with ranks in a disintegrating system rather than giving any cognizance to the gift of conscious power itself. they use their consciousness but they do not nurture it or explore it. one of the most phenomenal achievements of nature, undervalued and discarded in favor of boxing themselves into these false hierarchies granting superiority complexes. floating through life unaware of life at all, so many turn to faith in fleeting social externalities in the vain search for an identity among people who also, have no idea that they are alive.

the vague disinterest and hatred toward life is in part due to these systems, not to the nature of life itself. it is the lace veil on the eyes of the sheep that don’t know they are actually wolves. i wake up each day not particularly happy, but amazed that i am human. i am alive. my consciousness is HERE and NOW, and without me even noticing, it is already drifting away into the obscurity of an eventual death. my consciousness controls a body, can see, touch, taste, think, feel, NOTICE. and because we are forced to take these tools of perception for granted in the pursuit of wealth and control, we fail to really know their significance, the power we have in regards to them. it is not just an object to decorate, to use to further oneself and gain power in society or to work to death, and the identity aspect we so often hide behind doesn't have any real tangible substance outside of fleeting physicalities. the body and mind is more than mere transient physicality, it is an infinince of momentary experience. it unlocks magic, synchronicity and divine knowledge within each moment. mastery of the mind in conjunction with the body is the ultimate appreciation of divine creation.

i will always take in every moment of this existence to it's fullest, the pain, torture and horror, the bliss, awe and wonder. fully aware and fully conscious and fully alive. only allowing each moment to flee and dissipate, never myself from it. for if i happen to never wake from my eventual transformation of flesh, i will have never known what it is that nature may have intended for the making of my consciousness. i will have never really been alive. nature does not hold any blame at all, the misguidedness of humanity is what spirals us into the hatred and violent abuse of her creation. i will not sleepwalk my life to my grave, i will sail among the deep, decadent seas of it, watching it all intentionally and silently. i will die and be reborn over and over again in these realizations, but i will be alive for my death. i will die alive, and i will die with soul.

"Und so lang du das nicht hast,
Dieses: Stirb und werde!
Bist du nur ein trüber Gast
Auf der dunklen Erde.."

- Selige Sehnsucht, Goethe

december 19th, 2023

i love seeing people in all their humanness. i love admiring the unintentional rawness of people in public. beyond all external veils, all platitudes, niceties and performances of grandeur, the little movements and not so perfectionist aspects of humanity. the simple things stand out. when they stare out of a window on the train, alternately looking around at the people seated near them. the way they dress themselves, mismatched socks, wrinkled shirts and jackets with pilling from being well-loved and well-worn. people eating at restaurants or fast-food places, trying to not spill food on themselves, wiping the corner of their mouths with their napkins. people biting their nails, bouncing their leg, picking at their skin or playing with their hands nervously while waiting for transport, a meeting or a friend. someone listening to music in their headphones a little too loudly, so you can just barely hear it as they move their head with the beat. a child jumping over the cracks in the concrete. someone drawing with chalk on the sidewalk, covered in the dust. lighting a cigarette while shielding it from the wind, failing a couple of times. taking a nap in public. dropping something while walking by. the airy corporeality subtly bleeding through the surface of the skin.

these things seem to blend into the background world quite easily, but when you notice them you begin to realise how meaningful they really are in the moment. how behind all of the performances there is always rawness, dirty human existence, hidden original sin just within sight. it reminds me that beyond the world we have created, that intrinsicness in behaviour patterns and emotion will always be there and cannot be removed from the collective psyche, no matter how hard we try to cover it up. perfection in regards to societal expectation is unfeasible. pure perfection and beauty only resides in rawness, in mistakes, in dirtiness. the peaking through of distinctive humanness between the blinds of performance. to witness them is what forces me to recognize a reason for humanity to continue. we can still be as beautiful and uninhibited as nature is, in our own way. we have not been entirely changed by the environment we've created, only subdued to quiet murmurs. and i want the entirety of the human race to scream willingly, to soulfully resist covering up their humanity!

december 2nd, 2023

ill-formed in the womb. deformed by nature. anthropoidal yet subhuman. i’ve learnt to live with my form / face since i was 16 and lurking incel forums, but i will never forgive it. beauty is valued so highly, so much so that we believe those who possess it are more moral, more approachable, more kind.. more likeable in every sense, despite any poor actions. identity is found in the face, but i do not associate myself with my face. it’s just the temporary physiognomy that my consciousness is unfortunately attached to. even so, consciousness is often disregarded unless beauty is vehemently present. physical beauty is nothing to me but a distant other life, fantasization and suppression, yearning and visceral hatred. reduction to bone has been the only solace in which I see sub-partial beauty physically attainable for myself.

securing the genetic lottery is a less than 10% chance, to be average is around 70%, to be below average is about 20%. there is little you can do when it comes to facial deformities unless you have capital, and even if i did have the resources i truly dislike plastic surgery as a whole. it’s so unfair to be so slanted by people and ridiculed for what cannot be controlled, to be treated as if subhuman by those who simply will never understand the experience of being so dreadfully frustrated by your own form, to be upheld to a hierarchy you were screwed in from the start. the average person will never fully conceptualise it because they will never experience it. there is always something they can do to ‘fix’ themselves if they feel they have to. no amount of makeup, weight-loss or any looksmaxxing philosophy can attain beauty in a way that is permanent, especially when the structure is the problem. it is constant strain and unnatural effort to even remotely reach the bottom of that 70%.

being in public in a world that values superficial beauty beyond everything else is torment when you’re aware of the form you possess. when you see them looking at you like you’re below them, when you see them judging you and misconstruing your expressions, when they misinterpret you and form baseless opinions on your character. it's not just feeling unattractive, it's knowing.

november 8th, 2023

the addictiveness of life and our inbuilt survival instinct are very difficult to overcome and transcend. it is in our nature to want to survive, to do anything we can to escape the perceived threat of death. to allow yourself to flow down that ravine gently, carefully, intentionally into a self-imposed dissolution of your own matter and former mind sounds so fatally divine.

the practice of asceticism is one i’ve always wanted to fully commit myself to. renunciating all forms of worldly pleasure, all indulgence, forcing myself into an existence of partial sensory deprivation, detaching entirely from my preceding life/self. to let go of all efforts that would constitute a living organism, everything that would prove a soul to be living inside this cage of ribs. it is death practice in it’s purest form, rejection of all illusional matter and total withdrawal from the world. the voluntary settle into anthropomorphic decay and the valiant will needed to stay there is incredibly admirable and desirable to me.

only in my dreams would i ever be able to faithfully stick to such self-imposed restrictions, but i can vividly imagine myself resting my body against a tree in an outlying forest, somewhere no one would come across it. slowly wasting away, cell by cell, day by day, nature overcoming and devouring what was once to be considered oneself. becoming lighter in mass and denser in spirit, purity encasing all, the closest to transformation ever conceived while conscious and breathing. observing the magic of being intertwined with the earth and all potentialities, a mind outside of time and all semblance of humanity, testing the limits of a mortal body. leaving the world behind in the hum of flora and fauna. it is the clearest vision i can ideate, though an experience that is sorrowfully unlikely to materialise outside of my psyche.

the routine of modern survival is dreadfully painful and unnatural to sustain both mentally and physically, but the pain of controlled deprivation is so much more akin to our core nature, and strengthens the will immeasurably. therefore, it would attribute a much more meaningful development into a higher existence than any voluntary defilement for the sake of upholding survival and comfortability. we prioritise vague security over unhindered self-mastery. i do not want comfortability or security, i want to experience living in the most integral, intrinsic way possible. with little else but a body and mind isolated within a natural dimensional matrix, to observe and reflect on all that has ever connected us to it.

october 29th, 2023

humankind has proceeded through evolution of the mind, through the many stages of moral growth and faculty development across millennia. yet now we have come to a complete evolutionary standstill. the human race has not exceeded past the synthesization of simple/survival and the ego/self forms of consciousness, despite the evident atrocities and destruction that has occurred as a result of the stagnation. enlightened souls have been arriving and departing from this earth even before the moral faculty had fully developed in the general population, including the ones we call Gods, warning us of our inevitable fate if we do not work toward incorporating the higher ascent. our consciousness does not stop at this level of morality and self, it goes so much further. but the world refuses it, the world has failed to embody all that it has learnt and consciously/subconsciously predicted.

language is much too limited and ridged to describe the upper level, it is something further above our current conception and definitions. stripping away all religious dogma, the core of each God concept is exactly the same experience, and each of them proclaimed to us that we are able to have that same experience ourselves. shutting out this vital realisation of integration in favour of pursuing this experience after death (restricting life force in the process due to belief in said dogma) is a continually missed opportunity, and many have fallen into this pit of helplessness out of nothing but fear. heaven is right here. heaven has always been right here!

humanity’s inclination to continue along this beaten, worn down highway at warp speed, comprised of the ego-driven, dogmatic, repressive, selfishness powered by fear and suffering, will never result in anything but the self-imposed hell we’ve been stuck in forever, all for the sake of greed and distraction from the inevitable, the fear of any kind of real change. when will the highway diverge? when will enough be enough?

how many more people need to degrade themselves in order to survive it? how many more people need to kill themselves just to escape it? how much more pain, gore and horror do we all need to witness before we ever see a world beyond it? i've felt so deeply destroyed inside, before i have ever even begun my life. witnessing the waste of a species we have become hurls my soul into burning desolation. there is little to no hope of a livable future, we are destined to destroying everything in our path. i can only hope i will be reborn in a timeline where everything will not be as dire and degenerative.

september 29th, 2023

i look up, a black shadow surrounded by a halo of light infects my sight, almost like an angel. "fear prevents the two worlds from connecting." -- it is not spoken, almost transmitted electrically directly into my psyche. this is a phrase i recieved recently upon coming out of a hypnagogic state.

i've spent alot of my life in fear, fear of judgement, fear of socializing, fear of being misunderstood, fear of fucking up, fear of living. i have lived in my anxiety from a young age. i am always hyperaware of myself and everything around me, and i have always been a very self-conscious person. fear for me has been a terrible impurity, a indefeatable shadow that overcomes and pushes me into a trench to decay in her warzone. fear has deterred me from many things in this life, and, i know now, has especially hindered me in growing spiritually. when i reject my fear in all aspects, clarity will come.

nov 11 is approaching (11/11), a date which represents integration, a gateway, a door, a cycle breaker, new beginnings. my essence number for the next 7 years is the number 1, which also represents new beginnings and initiation. in breaking down the door, i am set free. i express myself more authentically, i feel more connected, i am more aware and confidently following an clear path. fear is what has kept me trapped in a never-ending cycle of confusion and self-doubt.

as for the two worlds it speaks of, i interpret it as quite a few different things. the earthbound/astral body. the spiritual and physical. the ego and the soul. the terrestrial and the cosmos. all opposites and dualities. here and beyond. within and without. above and below. fear ceases all of the most important tools the body and mind possess. the cerebral cortex is impaired, everything is less clear and consise. the body goes into fight or flight, blood flows away from the heart and into your limbs in preparation. it disconnects the being and moves the consciousness further inward rather than between. and while alive, the being is the transporter that we desperately depend on, the consciousness facilitating the awareness of feelings, sensations and manifestations in the physical continuum. fear divides from beyond. fear separates. engaging fear and gunning it down is the only way in which i can move toward fate. ripping it limb from limb and devouring it's entrails will lead toward illumination.

"i must not fear, fear is the mind killer
fear is the little death that brings total obliteration
i will face my fear, i will permit it to pass over me and through me
and when it has gone pass, i will turn the inner eye to see its path
and where the fear has gone, there will be nothing
only i will remain"
- dune by frank herbert

september 8th, 2023

i've come to the conclusion that i do not believe in the actual existence of a human god. everything we think of or interpret is a direct reflection of ourselves and our environment. realised or unrealised, this perception is the core of our psyche. a reflection is neither good nor bad, it is the mind speaking out loud what our inner self doesn't like to accept. god is a ultimate reflection of ourselves, stemming from the beliefs that denote the time of the religion's creation, and the interpretation that since we are supposedly the most intelligent beings on this planet, only something that looks or behaves as we do could have created something as grand, and would particularly care about our fate over every other manifestion in the continuum. this just does not fully take in or encapsulate the massive situation we find ourselves in.

looking into the books of each god or deity, it reflects the spiritual fates of humanity, and every part is a metaphor when you know how to interpret it. there is spiritual value in every religion, but salvation from the inevitable is the only concept everyone seems to get stuck on.

whenever i personally reference god, i essentially mean the universe as a whole, although i do not view it/worship it as such. god can be used in reference to anything really, an illusive 'something' with mass amounts of power. i am not afraid to use the word god. we are essentially gods within ourselves. creating and shaping ours and others lives right before our eyes often without a second thought, through the series of choices we make throughout our existence. our influences upon the physical world we live in. all of our choices have butterfly effects, and in turn will influence other people and their lives. we may not have the power of a potential greater deity, but we do have a significant amount power for which we take for granted or refuse to acknowledge. the belief in a god may be just a power fantasy in which human beings see themselves, yearning for power and eternality that they feel they cannot grasp while within the physical flesh. my faith in source is based on a return to ground level. completing a full circle of incarnation, re-integrating into the stardust we once were before birth. no greater power granted, no eternal pleasure or pain. too much of one thing 'forever' turns into pain and monotony, thus becomes nothing special in due time. i'd only be given greater knowledge in the act of death and a period of rest, my atoms refeeding into the matrix. that is simply alot more valuable to me than anything an all-powerful god has claimed to offer me after death.

everything that exists has a cycle, cause and effect. a peak state, a transition, which then leads into a levelled state in direct relevance to it's opposite. a pendulum must swing both ways before it rests in the middle. we are the peak state of embodied being consciousness. death is the leveled state of non-being fullness/dissipation. it does not make sense to me that after we experience the most sure and real existence we can currently concieve, that we then go on to a place in which judges and condemns our decisions and provides eternal suffering or bliss. again, these are just reflections, states of consciousness inside the human mind, and anything eternal will soon turn to torture. we need both aspects or heaven is indeed just as bad as hell, is essentially soul death. our souls would be tortured in heaven as bad as we would in hell. everything we can question, the answers can be found by simply looking around, finding the patterns and commonalities, the synchronicities and interconnections. the gods that we have created have only been reflections of the human race and it's ego, it's fears and worries, it's need for control and greater pleasure, our insurmountable need for a clearly defined purpose, a prediction of one bifurcation in our spiritual journey. there are no reflections of the existence of a god within the universe or nature, only byproduct of it reflecting human nature. every god is the same, we are all worshipping the same concept. we are looking into a mirror!

i find more commonalities within the human race itself and the universe. man always imitates his creator. the butterfly effect we create within our lives and the universe's butterfly effect, both evoked by chaos theory. our life and death and the universe's creation and dispersion. water in the human brain and dark matter/'empty space' in the universe. our pupils, black holes, sucking in light and producing the images we see. cosmic webs of galaxies and neurons both align themselves in networks. certain elements in our DNA being the same as that in stars. fractals are everywhere in nature, and can apply to many human concepts. sacred geometry, we can make clear connections between ourselves, nature and all it's patterns and frequencies! there are so many subtle links that i cannot list them all here.

the concept of god does give us a further meaning and purpose moving through our lives, but meaning and purpose does not exist in the external universe, only in our human society. life is not meant to have a strict meaning, it is to be experienced and learnt/evolved from like every other existing materialization has and does since the beginning of time. we find meaning within our personal lives, but it is not a universal concept. no matter how uncomfortable the sentiment that life is inherently meaningless tends to make us, meaning is unimportant amongst everything else. experience and learning is the most beneficial. everything has learnt through experience in order to continue to exist. there is no promise that we will live again, there is no promise that we will meet a god. the only promise is here and now, our existence is a random yet extremely rare occurrance. for my brief existence, the universe is god. but it's a god i do not worship, i only realise it. the relationship is two-way, universe gives and takes as do i. and since i have come from the essence which the universe creates, i am also a facet of god. all is equal.

"Belief has thus become an attempt to hang on to life, to grasp and keep it for one's own. But you cannot understand life and its mysteries as long as you try to grasp it."
"To "have" running water you must let go of it and let it run. The same is true of life and of God."

- alan watts, the wisdom of insecurity

september 5th, 2023

the last 7 months have been a vortex of emotion and surreal discovery within the chasms of my soul. i cannot articulate in adequate words the progress i have made within and without myself thus far, how greatly my lust for knowledge about the intricacies of this plane has consumed me. it can only be experienced, never described. i want to push myself into near oblivion and hopefully come back with the answers i've been seeking for all these years. i hope to record the various revelations i make here, along with other related ramblings. this is the next ascendence, the maturation of my being.

the grief due to loss of a dear friend this year has shoved me across a floor of broken glass on my hands and knees, and into a whole new world. a world in which i can finally see clear, and feel the intense need to decode everything i see as throughly and rationally as i can, taking everything into account. i know that this is my sole purpose now, and everything that comes of this purpose will lead to something greater. i will reach the end of it and i will find it all.

my journey so far has been one of perpetual wallowing in my own sorrow with zero sense of direction, being unable to pick up the pieces and find a way out of the labyrinth we find ourselves in, trying so desparately to express just how badly i feel about being alive. i spent 4 years trying to find myself and my path to no avail, just more suffering and loss. i realize now that there was no self to find.

you can dress in which ever way you please, listen to whatever music you please, express yourself in every way, but all that will ever truly matter in the end is what's inside your mind, your thoughts, opinions and insights, that is what you have to contribute to this world. your core essence. if you never dive into that facet of yourself, you will have never truly known yourself and no one will have ever have truly known you. that is a fate i do not choose for myself. the next step i aim to take involves finally voicing the true depths of my mind and revealing the fullest extent of all these inner workings.

i wish to transcend over and over again. to decode every part of this existence. i had once placed my faith in answers coming to me, but now i have to work with greater forces beyond who i am, for myself and anyone it may benefit. i vehemently refuse to intentionally be blinded.