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my soul is the coagulated blood color of garnet stone, the sound of industrial machinery, the smell of lavender and rotting fruit and the feel of velvet and leather.
i have so much anger i am forced to keep hidden. what do i have to lose? only everything. i have always been perpetually running away, it is the only thing i am good at. being released back into stardust is my only wish, besides living deep in the woods and having my own children. but i don't truly want to place another soul in this world, and it would cause me to be further attached to the physical. the only thing that makes existence worth it is seeing Mother Nature and her works. i'm glad i'll be able to die within her and give her my body. she is the only one deserving of anything.
it sucks being the way that i am. either a sad little ratgirl, hiding away from everything, or one step away from freaking the fuck out. if i could be normal, i would. it's honestly preferrable at this point. if i was able to live how i want to, i would finally be free and alive, but i'm scared of all possible outcomes of that. i'm tired of being scared of everything. i want to head charge straight into destruction so these earthly worries would go away forever. to headcharge into that destruction i need to be brave. how do i re-wire my mind? i realise no one truly knows where they're going, but usually they have some idea. i do not. i just want to see beauty, create beauty, feel the sun, wind and rain. things beyond the day to day routines designed to reach some goal of societally percieved 'comfortablilty'. i am still so scared of this existence, despite it's beauty. despite everything. i am always scared.
i think i will always feel out of place in someway, no matter how hard i try to be normal. i've accepted that now. i've been plateaued to build upon
myself again. do, or die empty and souless, undeveloped. there's always more to learn of yourself. there's a pit in my stomach that i cannot pin point the reason for.
a mixture of stress and discomfort, as always. i may never live up to the standards of this world, but why should i care when the world's standards have never aligned with me? i am perpetually stuck with this utterance.
you just have to pay attention, and everything opens up, unfurls, shows itself.. if you just look. i beg of you, just look around. this universe will always tilt you toward your direction. listen close to the cavity of your soul, and fill it with what it needs.
so many communications, synchronicities.. unbelievable how much connection i have. how truly divine all this is. so sacred to me. every
feeling of wrath, hate, bliss, euphoria, all the truest emotions i experience have purpose in pushing me forward. i'm finding truth in
my existence. my truth. everything that has culminated out of this will be worth it. whatever greater force that bestowed this upon my being
harboured the development of my soul. no matter how much i die, the sun will always be waiting for me. whatever sign i recieve, whatever the
development of the current circumstance, i will find the final resting place. little bits of him scattered like dust upon this plane, leading
me to back to him. there is still so much to learn of it all. i must take time to delve so deep into myself and
the everything. spinning into and out of time, finding peace in knowing, directing my wrath toward everything in my way. the anger i hold for this
realm will haunt me for every life i live after this. after many months of torture, i found a sense of ground for now.
i want to rip myself limb from limb, tear myself apart. i need to tear my skin off my body and set myself free, hide
and never be found. i hang on to life with hope like most do, but the grip has been slipping forever. i want to either hold
on with all my might or just let go completely. i'm exhausted of hanging in the midsection of desire for life. the only thing that holds me here is the potential
for love and the potential of living far from society. i can barely find the energy to attend to spiritual matters anymore, which pains me and extends my confusion and disorientation even more. from reading my previous entries, this cycle is truly never ending. my entire being and concious aches from being thrown into either deep end. i'm aware but unaware at the same time. i need to truly focus on what my soul is telling me, decipher it to it's fullest degree.
i've been doomed to live in constant mental and physical pain. it never ends. the days i live are either filled with
severe mental anguish or my body punishes me and i cannot bare to move. even if i live a day or two in which everything
doesn't seem as bad, it always comes back tenfold. the tiny pleasures of life are always far outweighed by the disasterous
ache of being incarnated within humanity. yet i'm the unstable one when i realise that reality and do not want to be among you?
there is no reason to continue leading a life that everybody else lives when it is clear that it is injudicious and meaningless.
find your truth and mercilessly live your truth. never live for anybody else. pave your own path, don't waste this life trying to conform
to a world that doesn't encourage the growth of your soul.
i believe being in nature is the only pleasure that is real and true. unable to be recreated in any capacity. no material possession or amount of wealth can ever match up to it.
why did this society ever come to the conclusion that any concrete jungle is better than this? and that we must demolish our beautiful world in pursuit of such meaningless, selfish things? all for nothing but monetary profit. nothing for the development of their broken rotten souls. i want to sink into the dirt and return.
i am finding beauty. i could count every star without straying. every thought, every sign and signal...the way i've interpreted it. it is not something
you can force. i am everything and nothing in one space. all at once. this life is a stepping stone to me. nothing but an inconvenient lesson for my soul.
this world truly seems to be hopeless. the only prospect that seems worthwhile is living in a cabin far far away in the middle of a dense forest, living within what is as close as one can get to absolute freedom of the mind, body and soul. away from all this bullshit. i don't understand how everyone is just letting themselves be taken advantage in every way. i need to free myself somehow. whether i live or die, i need to be free.
it doesn't make sense and it will never make sense to you. it is more than an awakening. it is so much more than a phase of my life. i've seen too much to convince
me otherwise, and once you've surpassed this level of understanding, it's hard to turn back and immerse yourself in the rot of this world.
feels like fragments of my soul wash up upon the shore, i can't
stand the sound of the water...
i realise i have the power and the right in feeling the way i feel and wanting something else, but there are the obligations i'm stuck fulfilling in others lives. the role i'm supposed to be playing, the facade i have to uphold. it is the shackles tying me to this world. unless im freed from these obligations, and the only way i'd be freed is if i leave, but i would ruin the lives of the only few people i truly care about here. i am still entirely connected to the outer realm, but i'm completely torn apart in what i want to do. i've built my life around the constant plan b. that i would find a way out, and everything would be okay and i would finally in some reality be happy. it's hard to detach, even after becoming "enlightened" and realizing how shit this world is and all the people in it, and realizing this system of absolute slaughter of the soul i'm forced to confine myself to.
i want to sit back in the clouds and watch the world burn from the inside out. the land and sea dissolve together, life fizzle out.
the end of everything forever. to exist in eternity, not physically take up space. in the minds of those who tortured me, ripping them
straight through. oh the glory, oh the freedom. the only way peace could be made. for it all to be destroyed. for their world to
truly crumble almost exactly how mine did, physically. how undeserving they are of any kind of conciousness, of anything at all. if they could see how
terribly they're taking it all for granted. take, take, take. humanity is diseased. even when life is about to cease, the earth collides,
your mind will be too rotten to percieve true meaning at the time of your inevitable demise. and that is where we are separate.
of the same kind, yet very far apart.
i found 2 four leaf clovers in the span of one week. events ive already experienced, repeating. little signs. little pieces of time.
beauty is grace. grace is beauty.
it's like something is reaching through, grasping at me. i was meant to die last year. i was meant to go through with it. but i didn't. i stole time i wasn't meant to have. i'm taking time that isn't mine. that is why i feel so much discomfort in a way i've never felt before. the haziness of my head. something i can't explain to another soul let alone understand myself.
i don't think my current form can conceptualise it coherently, because it is so much bigger than i am. maybe i don't need to understand it, only to recognize it as truth. only to know that i'm not insane, that i'll always be guided. that the cosmos is the only think that's truly real, that i will ever experience in this life.
uncomfortable and fuzzy. like an itch i can't scratch, like a fog i can't clear. i keep pushing against it and something keeps bringing me back.
i'm experiencing never-ending unsteadiness, as if my soul refuses to be stagnant. it's like i discovered further freedom of myself,
a new part of my mind. it keeps going and going, it keeps getting wider and more incomprehensible. i can see further than the horizon.
i no longer feel like i am truly tied to anything, i hold the lock and the key. it's a powerful realisation and i've realised itnow for the second time. i wish i could have a life like you, but i just can't. it's not what i am supposed to fulfill, and my brief transition did nothing but prove that further. the sun truly helps me, it's my favourite star. it goes beyond the biological likening to it, the emotion i get from feeling the warmth of the sun is absolutely indescribable. if i could experience the sun 24/7, it could almost convince me... as i've gotten older i began to understand. as a child i remember always questioning, never aloud, always in my head. condemned to live forever in my head. but the least i could do is the one thing i knew could change the path. something keeps holding me back. there's more i have to do.
desire kills.
i wish i hadn't become so weak. the past is increasing and the future continues to recede. despite how badly i am
treated and the pain i am caused by staying, i still stay. this is the problem that has pained me for years. i know there is something so much
brighter, i've become hopeless in achieving it here. this is the infinite highway i've carved out of my cosmic path, the ending doesn't exist, only this lifetime here. the pain is
my learning. learning as i continue to disappear. that my experiences are proof. i find comfort in only that.
time keeps passing, i keep waiting...
there's nothing more to say.
i wish i could find a way out without a single soul noticing. slip through a gap in the wall, into the background world. i dream so often of
escape and freedom for my soul. it's frustrating. i can't be fucked keeping up with this life, this facade anymore. it's all so fabricated. it has all become, to the fullest
extent, emotionally and physically exhausting. listening to music and staring at the wall. i cannot find purpose. the grief will not let up. it's autumn now so i will barely get to feel the sun. why wont time stop? i have learnt to let things go, i have learnt that nothing is worth holding onto with too much strength. everything will simply pass by. it has never truly been attached. i want to bathe in sunlight. it is all hidden just outside of my reach, but this spiral continues to take me. i hold less room for myself and much more for enlightenment.
keeping my eyes wide open.
i will spend the rest of my life in regret and grieving. each day, in and out i will grieve and realize then grieve those realizations and feel such intense guilt and mourning for my lack of control. it's a constant burning. a blaze set alight by circumstances beyond my control, beyond anything physical or real. i'm stuck between melting into oblivion or the world's expectations. the latter inane. i can't describe how much i despise, loathe, hate everything here. it corrupts. i've spent so long in the corner, hiding from fate. the wound will get so extravagant that it will become me. i hope my body will dissolve. all that matters is the soul. i will protect my soul until i no longer have to. i'm hoping to reach a place where i will not have to be so cautious. and it is so so far away from here.
i feel so much more ill than i have ever before, doing stupid shit out of impulsion and need to feel validated. i want my purity so bad. it's all i could ever desire. i will lay in my bed and cry, until everything dissipates completely. my only aim is the sun. absolute oblivion. the end, the final chapter. everything i've ever waited for. enough fucking pretending everything has a chance to improve because it fucking hasn't for years now. i don't know how i keep convincing myself to stay. it's only ever gotten worse and more painful, no matter how much i try. as time progresses, everything has only complicated. let it consume me. let the sun open up just for me. let the sun take it all away. it's the only thing i ask of this life.
i'll always be the girl thats left behind. the rotten girl, rotting in the corner of the room, just pretend you don't see her.
eternally lonely and lovesick. in a holding pattern just shy of the sun. true eternal love could fix me. true eternal love would save me. true eternal love would pull me
into the sun. i am ashamed. crushed cherry, the red of my love and my anger spurting out, staining silk. the shell i've cracked open has swallowed me whole. i contradict and tremble and yearn and cry and scream and die and i am stuck. stuck in this fucking hole. vanity and material are empty. i want something full, something so real it blinds me. nothing here has ever been real. it has all only ever been a man-made illusion, i feel pity for souls who never realize it. the wait for fate is so cruel. i feel so incredibly sick.
i've relied on inherently being the quiet and passive one, someone others don't notice. i hope that will help me slip through a gap somehow. i have no choice but to give up some dignity simply because, the world is rotten. i have no other choice. i hold purity of the soul so near and dear to me. i will not be able to leave this world as pure as i want to, and it kills me. this worlds sludge and rot will infect my soul for lifetimes to come.
i'm at the end of my ropes. i feel so incredibly lost in this world. i've held on to every last sting of hope and everything is completely slipping
away from me again. it continues to repeat itself, the misery. is the hole truly endless for souls like mine? i'm so tired, so worn out. it's hard to eat.
i sleep all day. even my heart feels like its about to give out on its own, i await the day that it will. it will cause me less pain of having to find a path to take.
i cannot express to you how much i would like to disappear entirely. noone could possibly understand the desperation i feel almost everyday to escape this realm.
i feel as if i am completely out of control of my spirituality. i've tried a lot of things, did some research, i feel insane! desperately looking
for something that cannot be found! there has been signs i have noticed, dreams i've had, but i'm never completely sure if they mean anything!
days go by and i get detached and decide it would be less destructive to stay, then other days i cannot handle the prospect of staying for even a second longer because i hate everything! i feel so constricted due to the poverty of language, but there really is no other way to describe it. everything that i am has been done and said before, but nothing in this world ever changes. i still suffer. i still find myself lost, alone and fighting with myself. fighting to find a way to live in this world that won't completely kill my soul.
anxiety is my core. it holds me together and makes me fall apart. everything is too much. empty and meaningless but terrifying and exhausting.
i had the smallest feeling that maybe things would change, maybe a switch would flick somewhere, but that potential has been crushed into oblivion.
my glimpses of hope are always only that, glimpses. moments in time that fade into shit. delusions. then i come to the same realization over and over. i truly believe i cannot stay here for much longer. am i really going to suffer in discomfort and hate for the rest of my life until my end? what cruel joke is this supposed to be?
the new year has come and i still inevitably feel the same as i always have. it's hard to understand yourself when you don't know who you are, where you're meant to be, or what you're supposed to do in your own mortal existence. it feels like a waste. it feels like a mistake. the world has treated me like dirt, dirt i will become. it feels like my time is running out.
what a horrible life. i want to lie down in my bed and wallow forever. it's like i am living in the gaps of this reality. no one understands
the extent of disfigurement i face from my loneliness. everything is just a pointless distraction. there is no fulfillment here. everything is
nothing. this world is empty. i don't want to be distracted anymore. i just want truth. i just want love. i just want purity. i just want humanity. i've always wondered what it would feel like. i know that this world will never experience it, unless it's for their own gain. everything is so soulless.
everything in the sky gives me such elation, it's like everytime i look up everything feels so serene. there's something better than this out there. something so much more, something inconcievable to my current mind. this cage has brought me nothing but misery and given me tiny worthless pleasures as apologies. i wish i could live past the starline. i've lived so many lives before this, the same thing repeating like a script. everyone following the same script. the same, the same, the same. they tell you that once you achieve all these things you'll reach contentment, when really you're just more attached to the physical, the material, nothing true or pure. there is nothing desirable about it. i do not want this. i do not fucking want this.
why is everyone so fucking braindead? why are these vapid walking shells of human beings so ignorant? every single one of them, followers of another. im consistently surrounded by them and i feel so distant from their way of thinking. everyone says the same shit over and over and over again. my ears fucking hurt. i am forced to conform in a place that i cannot conform to, a place i have never agreed with. a desolate world that absolutely does not give a fuck about anyone but themselves. its so fucking painful to be this isolated. i wish someone would understand. i wish for just a moment in time where i could feel at ease, but it never comes. it never fucking comes.
i want to lie down and rot. erase any memory of me. my existence is embarrassing, every day filled with such misfortune and discomfort.
i want to feel the euphoria of complete and utter evanescence from this fucking abyss. i want to feel the epitome of such boundless freedom,
i would do absolutely anything to have it. i'm beyond any kind of consolation.
i feel like i'm not a person, just an atom attaching itself to vague concepts and ideas of what i should be. the only way to escape my
confusion is to figure out what i'm supposed to do at this point, where i'm supposed to be in this life. my thoughts have lately been pure vitriol,
a cacophany of anger. everything fills me with rage. i feel like a figureless shadow, journeying through this endless cyclical spiral, surrounded by these crowds who contrast me. this existence is like a life sentence of solitary confinement, for a crimeless existence.
im so tired. ive never been more restless and unmotivated to do anything in my life. to be this lonely is a punishment. it hurts to have this much discomfort inside my brain, this nausea in my stomach, this blockage in my throat. i am surrounded by people but cannot truly connect to any of them, it's been like this my whole life. absolute solitude. there's a strange comfort in it though. the ditch i've been kicked into has become an abode. my grave has been dug for me and i'll inevitably die in it.
im trying to find a reason, trying to find something to hold onto or to be excited about in this life. everything always goes to shit.
everything constantly goes wrong and is ruined for me. everytime i go out into the world everyone looks at me like i shouldn't be there. i'll always embarass myself in one way or another. it scares me to exist, under people's constant judgement. i look at others who have seemingly fulfilled lives and feel such intense sadness that it
makes me want to puke. it feels like everything i've ever done means and will always mean nothing. like i don't deserve anything. im so sick of possessing this mind, this body, this life.
i want to go away permanently. to a place where i wouldn't have to worry about playing this game anymore. i'm tired of being the underdog.
i feel disconnected from reality. outside of my body. i wish i could be myself, but i do not know who i am in the slightest. ive been trying to "discover myself" for my entire teenage experience, and nothing has really come of it. confused and disconnected. i look and i look and there is always nothing. it's suffocating.
