19th of may 2022
i truly believe that what i am experiencing will drive me insane, if it hasn't already. it is impossible to explain because
it cannot be explained. it doesn't make sense and it will never make sense. it is more than an awakening.
it is so much more than a phase of my life. i've seen too much to convince me otherwise. it doesn't even shock me when it happens anymore,
it feels relatively normal, when i know for certain that it is not. and i cannot escape it. i cannot catch a break.
1st of april 2022
i feel so stuck. i realise i have the power and the right in feeling the way i feel and wanting something else, but i also
know i simply can't just do it because of the obligations i'm stuck fulfilling in others lives. the role i'm supposed to play.
im so deep in it i feel i cannot get out, ever. unless im freed from these obligations and the only way i'd be freed is if i leave,
but i'm leaving behind something that would completely fall apart and would ruin the lives of the only few people i truly care about here.
it all relies on me. i still feel entirely connected to the outer realm, but now i'm completely
torn apart in what i want to do. i've built my life around the constant plan b. that i would just do it and everything
would be okay and i would finally be happy. it's hard to detach from all of this, even after becoming "enlightened" for years
and realizing how shit this world is and all the people in it and the system of absolute slaughter of the soul i'm forced to confine myself to.
how do i erase myself?
29th of march 2022
halcyon and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on...
17th of march 2022
my heart is very fragile right now.
23rd of february 2022
i want to sit back in the clouds and watch the world burn from the inside out. the land and sea dissolve together,
life fizzle out. the end of everything forever. to exist in eternity, not physically take up space. in the minds of
those who tortured me, ripping them straight through. oh the glory, oh the freedom. the only way peace could be made.
for it all to be destroyed. for their world to crumble almost exactly how mine did. how undeserving they are of any kind
of conciousness, of anything at all. if they could see how terribly they're taking it all for granted. take, take, take. humanity
is diseased. even when life is about to cease, the earth collides, your mind will be too rotten to percieve true meaning at
the time of your inevitable demise. and that is where we are separate. of the same kind, yet very far apart.
10th of february 2022
i found 2 four leaf clovers in the span of one week. events ive already experienced, repeating.
little signs. little pieces of time.
29th of november 2021
beauty is grace. grace is beauty.
6th of november 2021
thinking things through. i can see two different outcomes of this, like i can see into the spiral and
look both ways. if either reality transpires. i feel less up in the air knowing this.
i realise the reason and the concequence. the time will come, and when it comes, i will know.
24th of october 2021
it's like something is reaching through, grasping at me. it keeps pulling me back, i feel guilt
so heavily on my chest. i was meant to die last year. i was meant to go through with it. but i didn't.
i stole time i wasn't meant to have. i'm taking time that isn't mine. that is why i feel so much discomfort
in a way i've never felt before. the haziness of my head. something i can't explain to another soul let alone
9th of october 2021
i don't think my current form can conceptualise it coherently, because it is so much bigger
than i am. the displacement, the discomfort, the distance...
7th of october 2021
uncomfortable and fuzzy. like an itch i can't scratch, like a fog i can't clear. i keep pushing
against it and something keeps bringing me back.
22nd of september 2021
i'm experiencing never-ending unsteadiness, as if my soul refuses to be stagnant. i opened up a portal inside of me,
without even trying. it's like i discovered further freedom of myself, a new part of my mind.
it keeps going and going, it keeps getting wider and more incomprehensible. i can see further than the horizon.
2nd of september 2021
i no longer feel like i am truly tied to anything, i hold the lock and the key. it's a powerful realisation and
i've realised it now for the second time. i continue to hold immense amounts of guilt and shame for straying so far.
i wish i could have a life like you, but i just can't. it's not what i am supposed to fulfill, and my brief transition
did nothing but prove that further. the sun truly helps me, it's my favourite star. it goes beyond the biological likening to it, the emotion
i get from feeling the warmth of the sun is absolutely indescribable. if i could experience the sun 24/7, it could almost convince me...
as i've gotten older i began to understand. as a child i remember always questioning,
never aloud, always in my head. condemned to live forever in my head.. but the least i could do is the one
thing i knew could change the path.. something keeps holding me back. the fucking guilt.
12th of july 2021
17th of june 2021
i keep losing my control. i wish i hadn't become so weak. the past is increasing and the future continues to recede. despite how badly i am
treated and the pain i am caused by staying, i still stay. this is the problem that has pained me for years. i know
there is something so much brighter, but it seems i've become hopeless.
this is the infinite highway i've been lead, the ending doesn't exist, only my time here. the pain is my learning.
learning as i continue to fade. that my experiences are proof. i find comfort in only that.
16th of june 2021
time keeps passing, i keep waiting...
i do not want this. im so fucking lost. i'm so stupid.
please forgive me.
2nd of february 2021
i wish i could find a way out without a single soul noticing. slip through a gap in the wall, into the background world.
i dream so often of escape and freedom, it's painful. it's frustrating. i can't be fucked keeping up with this life,
this facade anymore. it has all become, to the fullest extent, emotionally and physically exhausting. listening to
music and staring at the wall. i cannot find purpose. the grief will not let up. i am trapped. it's autumn now
so i will barely get to feel the sun. why wont time stop?
i have learnt to let things go, i have learnt that nothing is worth holding onto with too much strength.
everything will simply pass by. it has never truly been attached. i want to bathe in sunlight. it is all hidden
just outside of my reach, but this spiral continues to take me. i hold less room for myself and much more for fate.
keeping my eyes wide open.
30th of january 2021
i will spend the rest of my life in regret and grieving. each day, in and out i will grieve and realize
then grieve those realizations and feel such intense guilt and mourning for my lack of control. it's a constant
burning. a blaze set alight by circumstances beyond my control, beyond anything physical or real. i'm stuck between
melting into oblivion or my suffering. the latter seems inane. what i would give to be more pure-minded again.. i would literally
give anything. i can't describe how much i despise, loathe, hate everything here. it corrupts. i've spent so long in the corner,
hiding from fate. the wound will get so extravagant that it will become me. i hope my body will dissolve.
all that matters is the soul. i will protect my soul until i no longer have to.
i'm hoping to reach a place where i will not have to be so cautious.
and it is so so far away from here.
4th of december 2020
i feel so much more ill than i have ever before, doing stupid shit out of impulsion and need
to feel validated. i want my purity so bad. it's all i could ever desire. it's over. i will lay in my bed and cry,
until everything dissipates completely. my only aim is the sun. absolute oblivion. the end, the final chapter. everything i've ever waited for.
enough fucking pretending everything has a chance to improve because it fucking hasn't for years now.
it's only ever gotten worse and more painful. as time progresses, everything has only complicated.
let it consume me. let the sun open up just for me. let the sun take it all away. let halcyon repeat.
25th of october 2020
i'll always be the girl thats left behind. the rotten girl, rotting in the corner of the room,
just pretend you don't see her. eternally lonely and lovesick. in a holding pattern just shy of the
sun. love could fix me. love would save me. love would pull me into the sun. i feel ashamed.
i am ashamed. crushed cherry, the red of my love and my anger spurting out, staining silk.
the shell i've cracked open has swallowed me whole. i contradict and tremble and yearn and cry and
scream and die and i am stuck. stuck in this fucking hole. vanity is empty. i want something full,
something so real it blinds me. nothing here has ever been real. the wait for fate is so cruel.
time is merciless. i feel so sick.
25th of july 2020
i've spent alot of time being distracted.
i've relied on inherently being the quiet and passive one, someone others don't notice. i hope that will help me slip
through the gap somehow. i have no choice but to give up some dignity simply because, the world is rotten.
i hold purity of the soul so near and dear to me. i will not be able to leave this world as pure as i want to,
and it makes me incredibly disappointed. but this will end as fate designed.
10th of june 2020
i'm at the end of my ropes. i feel so incredibly lost and confused.
i've held on to every last hope and everything is completely slipping away from me again.
it's like it continues to repeat itself, the misery. is the hole truly endless? i'm so tired, so worn out.
it's hard to eat. i sleep all day. even my heart feels like its about to give out on its own.
i await the day that it will. i cannot expressed to you how much i would like to disappear entirely.
noone could possibly understand the desperation i feel almost everyday.
29th of april 2020
i feel as if i am completely out of control of my spirituality. i've tried a lot of things,
did research, i feel insane! desperately looking for something that cannot be found! there has
been signs i have noticed, dreams i've had, but i'm never completely sure if they mean anything!
days go by and i get detached from everything and just decide it would be less destructive to stay,
then other days i cannot handle the prospect of staying for even a second longer because i hate
everything! i feel so constricted because i cannot express my emotions fully, but there really is
no other way to describe it. i am being punished. past lives have amassed to who i am now.
everything that i am has been done before and i cannot escape it. i cannot find myself.
2nd of february 2020
anxiety is my core. it holds me together and makes me fall apart. everything is too much.
empty and meaningless but terrifying and exhausting. i had the smallest feeling that maybe
things would change, maybe a switch would flick somewhere, but that potential has been crushed into oblivion.
my glimpses of hope are always only that, glimpses. moments in time that fade into shit. delusions.
i truly believe i cannot stay here for much longer. i want to fade away.
am i really going to suffer for the rest of my life until my end?
what cruel joke is this supposed to be?
3rd of january 2020
the new year has come and i still inevitably feel the same as i always have.
my sense of self has been stripped away from me. it's hard to understand
yourself when you don't know who you are, where you're meant to be, or what you're supposed
to do in your own mortal existence. it feels like a waste. it feels like a mistake.
the world has treated me like dirt, dirt i will become. it feels like my time is running out.
19th of october 2019
what a horrible life. i want to lie down in my bed and wallow forever.
it's like i am living in the gaps of this reality. noone understands the type of disfigurement
i face from my loneliness. everything is just a pointless distraction. there is no fulfillment here.
everything is nothing. this world is empty. i don't want to be distracted anymore.
i just want truth. i just want love. i just want purity. i just want humanity.
i wonder what it would feel like.
16th of september 2019
the sun and everything in the sky gives me such a high, it's like everytime i look up everything
feels so serene and euphoric. there's something better than this out there. something so much more.
this cage has brought me nothing but misery and given me tiny worthless pleasures as apologies.
i want to live past the star-line. i feel as if i've lived so many lives before this, the same thing
repeating like a script. everyone following the same script. the same, the same, the same.
there is nothing desirable about it. i do not want this. i do not fucking want this.
26th of august 2019
why is everyone so fucking braindead? why are these vapid walking shells of human beings
so ignorant? every single one of them, followers of another. im consistently surrounded by them
and i feel so distant from their way of thinking. everyone says the same shit over and over
and over again. my ears fucking hurt. its so fucking painful to be this isolated.
i wish for just a moment in time where i could feel at ease, but it never comes.
it never fucking comes.
21st of july 2019
i want to lie and rot away. erase any memory of me. my existence is embarrassing,
every day filled with such misfortune and discomfort. i want to feel the euphoria of
complete and utter evanescence from this fucking abyss. i want to feel the epitome of such
boundless freedom, i would do absolutely anything to have it. i'm beyond any kind of consolation.
30th of june 2019
i feel like i'm not a person, just an atom attaching itself to vague concepts and ideas
of what i should be. the only way to escape my confusion is to figure out what i'm supposed
to do at this point, where i'm supposed to be. my thoughts have lately been pure vitriol, a cacophany of anger.
i cannot escape it, everything fills me with rage. i feel like i'm just a figureless shadow,
journeying through this spiral, surrounded by these crowds who contrast me.
this existence is like a life sentence of solitary confinement.
15th of june 2019
im so tired. ive never been more restless and unmotivated to do anything in my life.
no one wants to be near me. to be this lonely is a punishment. it hurts to have this much discomfort inside my brain,
this nausea in my stomach, this blockage in my throat. i don't care much for anything anymore.
i am surrounded by people but cannot truly connect to any of them. absolute solitude. there's a strange comfort in it though.
the ditch i've been kicked into has become an abode. my grave has been dug for me and i'll inevitably die in it.
8th of june 2019
im trying to find a reason to continue this, trying to find something to
hold onto or to be excited about. everything goes to shit. everything goes wrong
and everything is ruined for me. everytime i go out into the world everyone looks at me like i shouldn't
be there. i look at others who have seemingly fulfilled lives and feel such intense sadness that
it makes me want to puke. all i've done is pretend to exist. to mean something here.
fake it until i make it. and i haven't made it at all. feels like everything ive ever done means nothing.
like i dont deserve anything. im so sick of possessing this mind, this body, this life.
i want to go away permanently.. to a place where i can amount to nothing. where i wouldn't
have to worry about playing this game anymore. i'm tired of being the underdog.
11th of may 2019
i feel disconnected from reality. outside of my body. i wish i could be myself,
but i dont know who i am. ive been trying to "discover myself" for my entire teenage
experience, and nothing has really come of it. confused and disconnected.
i look and i look and there is always nothing. it's suffocating.